Saturday, 10 March 2012

Für mein leibling Rachel, wo immer sie auch sein mag

Well i am not sure how to start this post, i don't want to seem to be an arse but don't make plans for your life. plain and simple. when i look back on what could of been, i am very upset with myself, i have been an arse and boy do i know it! the one thing i wanted from my life, is the one that will never be and its a hard thing to understand. Realizing the one person you have felt so much for, doesn't feel the same. its a real "kick in the twins"! i can't stop thinking about her, and if anything its making it harder for me to let her go. and i know i am going to have to! but i don't want too! even now when i am writing this, she has just come on msn messenger. i just can't seem to escape her. but if i am completely honest, i don't want too! i love her!

i think its important to follow your dreams, after watching the "SENNA" documentary today i am finding it even more important to do so, i mean senna spent loads of time studying at school, so that his time outside of school was spent on his go kart. he then left Brazil to race go karts in England and from there his racing career just exploded into 3 F1 world championships. his career ended doing the thing he loved the most, racing. he was often criticized for his style by those who did not understand him, and i think that for what he was, he was a inspiration and a legend! and he will be sorely missed by those who knew of him! a true great who was passionate about what he did! 

looking back upon my life so far, if i had followed every dream i have ever had. when i was 4 and in preschool, i wanted to be a NASCAR driver and follow my idol Cole Trickle. its only later i learnt that Cole trickle is actually Tom Cruise, in the film Days of Thunder. and what would of happened if i followed this dream? well i would be in a low form of motorsport dreaming of a career in the states racing the ovals! fast forward a year. first year of school, i was 5. i wanted to be in the turret of a challenger tank, blowing up as much of the enemy as i could. if i had followed my dream? i would probably be in tank driver training and considering going to the middle east. me age 6, new year and a new dream. driving tanks is out, and driving cars is back in. this time its the glitz and glamour of the F1 paddock i wanted. the international fame and the media attention of being the 4th brit on the grid for this season, the testing is over and the final preparation for the first race of the season in Melbourne. now me age 7, i would be in year 2 at school. this is where my dream of flying took control. i wanted to be a pilot in the RAF, how good i would of been i have no idea but it was a dream. if i had pursued this dream where would i be? well considering i wouldn't be a great pilot, i would probably be a pretty naf ground crew member!! now, year three this is where i wanted to be a football player! watching the year above play football at lunchtimes made me want to play even more. its only when i got to year 4 i managed to play football. at this age i considered myself to be quite good, and slightly big headed! i think i played 4 games for the school and scored 3 goals, which i thought was not to bad at the time! and if i followed my dream? well i would be celebrating the 2-0 win Southampton had today, and partying more because saints are still top of the championship! now your probably getting quite bored of me telling you what my life would of been like? i hope not because i am going to continue! well now  at this point i have left first school and experiencing the fun and joy of middle school. but for me it was mainly bullying! anyway, basically i wanted to be a pro scooter rider, thena pro motorcross riders and then a pro mountain biker! that would either make me recovering from an injury from falling of my motorcross bike or make me be scraping a living trying to be a mountain biker, or better still coming of a win at the "whitestyle" comp and preparing for the freeride mountain biking world tour! however i doubt that would ever happen! now my high school life, besides meeting some of my best friends and that one special person, i wanted a realistic way of life and not the glitz and glamour! i wanted to move to Germany and build race cars for Audi! i know, back to race cars! but this was just a dream, simply because i am not that mechanically minded and also my germans not that great! now for most of high school after the Audi scenario i just wanted to be a mountain biker, i made youtube videos to try and make it famous. but if anything this made me less likely to become a pro! now before i get to my life at the moment, there was just one last fantasy, see if you can guess.... yes of course it was becoming a racing driver, i know AGAIN! now if i followed this time i would be very poor and regretting the decision to spend all of my money on being a racing driver! so now i get to the present. the one dream i had is no longer, this dream however was more realistic then most others, it was to get married and settle down with the one girl i love. have some kids and enjoy the little things! what i thought would be the most realistic dream in the 18 years i have been on this earth. but unlike all my other dreams i actually believed in this one and i committed myself to this dream, and i think this is why its ended in so badly.

so i would like to apologies to everyone who thought this would be a happy and cheery blog today! and to everyone i have depressed i am even more apologetic. so what now? well i am working for the co-op, its not glamorous, but it is a job! and what for my future? well i will be waiting forever for her to return! and i hope when she does that i can finally fulfill one of my dreams! but until then the cogs of life keep on turning and the winds of change are howling....

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